10 Things Paul Ryan and His Selfie Are Whiter Than

Written by on July 18, 2016

Paul Ryan

So in case you missed it, Paul Ryan decided to take a selfie with all of Capitol Hill’s interns. Over 100 of them. And of course, the internet, being the internet pointed out how white his picture was. In fact, I like to call the picture 100 Shades of Whiteness. Somehow Paul Ryan managed to pull off one of the greatest feats in modern-day history, he and his interns out whited some of the whitest things we have ever seen.

  1. Leave It To Beaver – As a youngling, I loved me some Leave It To Beaver. I would come home from school and watch my 30 minutes of the “Beav” religiously after school. But looking back at the show, you realize that it was a lily-white show. Most shows at least from the 70s on up had the token Black dude. You could count on at least one person of color to skip across your screen following the leader of the gang as they faced whatever adversity they had to solve within 22 minutes. However, Leave It To Beaver didn’t have a one. No one in the school. No one in the neighborhood. No one working with Ward. No one walking around in the background. Leave It To Beaver may as well been called Leave Out The Blacks. Similar to Paul Ryan’s selfie.
  2. Carlton Banks dance – One thing about the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that made it such a  hit was the dynamic between Will and Carlton. I’m guessing they were the same age but offered the viewers two sides of the same coin. One was “street” and hip-hop, the other was “preppy” and yacht rock. When it came to dancing I don’t think it got any whiter than Carlton Banks doing his swing and snap.
  3. A good ole Texas Hoe-Down – Deep in the heart of Texas if you are real quiet you can hear echoes of a hoe-down. And I am sure in the midst of that hoe-down you can look around and see nothing but white faces. I remember watching Richard Pryor back in the day crack a joke about a hoe-down. He said that if you are Black person and you are ever privileged to see a hoe-down the minute they say “hee-haw” you better get to moving around because the next sentence will be “get the rope!!” You don’t want to be around for that I am sure.
  4. Lawrence Welk Show – Lawrence Welk and his weekly variety show had to be one of the whitest 60 minutes you will ever bear witness to. From the accordions, sing-along numbers, and blue eyes blonde hair harmonies, it was white to the 9th degree. You never expected to see The Supreme jump out the bubbles, or the see Marvin Gaye sing I Heard It Through the Grapevine.  Nope Lawrence Welk was all apple pie, ice cream, and a transistor radio.
  5. Bryant Gumbel – Bryant Gumbel is the equivalent of getting two prizes in the Cracker Jack box, a Black man disguised as a White man. Not saying Bryant Gumbel wanted to be White, but with him on board, you never knew you had a Black man at all. Mr. Gumbel had a way of making America feel comfortable and cozy when he was on the screen. Bryant was about as threatening as a freshly “hatched” butterfly. Bless his heart.
  6. Tuna Casserole – I have been to a many family gatherings and I have never seen tuna casserole in a dish. Black folks don’t fuck with tuna casserole.
  7. Hockey Hall of Fame – I never been to a hockey game. Never watched one on tv. But I am willing to bet that even the Hockey Hall of Fame has at least one Black person in it.
  8. Montana – I don’t even know if Montana knows that segregation is over. I imagine that if I was ever to drive through Montana once I hit the state line I would enter a wormhole and come out in California.
  9. Rocky IV – Rocky IV was another movie I loved watching as a child. Rocky wearing Apollo’s American flag shorts was the thing that legends are made of. However in 1984 a movie featuring 2 White males fighting for the heavyweight title of the world is as made up as pink unicorns riding a tricycle down a hill of technicolor grass. It wouldn’t have happened. Watching Rocky IV you would have thought you were watching a title fight from 1896.
  10. The Winter Olympics – How many sporting events can you go to where damn near everyone is white? Hell, I am willing to bet that the African countries who participate in the Olympics send over an all-white team. The Winter Games is as white as snow.

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