Mommy Issues VS. Daddy Issues While Dating
Written by TianaMarshe on September 8, 2015
While doing research for my upcoming self-help book, I came across the subject of dating with children. Nowadays, blended families have become the norm. I think it is a beautiful thing to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who has children from a previous marriage/relationship. To be able to have a mate that trusts you with their child(ren) and to be able to exude that same trust regarding your children speaks volumes. To also be able to care for that child(ren) as if it were your own is a gift and it should be handled as such.
However, I have come across a lot of situations where dating with children hasn’t been the best ideal. For instance, I was talking to a friend the other day who happens to be a single mother. She has a son whose father was never really around. She has dated, but to not much avail. The issue in which she has accredited to her lack of a successful relationship is that she has found that more often than not, the men she has been dating are in fact jealous of her son. Of course (in her words) , “I will NEVER choose a man over my King”. Sure I had an opinion, I wanted to correct as much as I could with this picture right away, but I had to be careful. In the short synopsis on her current relationship status and why, I’d gathered the following; the men she’s been dating have “mommy issues” and she has “daddy issues” which is why she KEEPS attracting these kinds of men. But of course I couldn’t just tell her that without expecting to have Judge a jury and exhibits A, B, C and D to support my case. No matter how true it was, no one wants to hear you tell them the reason they are in a situation or repeat cycle is because of them.
While I am no expert, I will confidently break down the cycle that is occurring. My friend happens to be a great mom who would go to the ends of the earth for her son. However, she learned to be a great parent by becoming what she didn’t have that growing up. Her mother was there, but her father wasn’t. As any great parent would, she wanted to give her son all that she didn’t have. In addition to not having a father for herself, she has been carrying the weight of guilt because her son’s father being nowhere in sight. On the quest to be a perfect mother, she had gotten to a point where she’s tried to overcompensate for his absence. She has done everything she could to insure that he doesn’t have the same feelings of abandonment, rejection, insecurity, etc. that she felt due to not having her dad around. As it relates to her son, while she may not be able to see it clearly, she uses him as safe guard. This safeguard has been put into place to avoid having to heal from the void of not having a father. In essence, on the surface it would appear that she’s just trying to protect her son and his feelings, but in actuality it is a cover up to hide the pain she has never healed from. At 36, she is still a little girl in pain due to the lack of her father. What’s worse is she doesn’t even realize it.
Now to tie it into the men she’s attracting, any man worth his salt who is seriously pursuing a woman for longevity is going to accept her child(ren) as a total package. However, if he comes to the table with his own void he won’t have much to give. My friend mentioned that men would complain about the time, attention and care that she gave to her son. Now that could go both ways. If he is a man who recognizes there is room for correction in a situation and he addresses it respectfully while helping to resolve the issue as a man, then there is no issue. However, that is not always the case. In my friend’s situation, it has NEVER been the case.
The men my friend had been attracting were men who have their own void which we will affectionately name, “mommy issues”. These men have come into her life and seen behavior that was unfamiliar to them. They can sense the nurturing and subconsciously they began to desire that and want it for themselves. However, because they have associated it with the kind of time attention care that comes from a woman in an intimate setting, they see it as abnormal and compete with the male child who is on the receiving end of that kind of affection. Perhaps they have seen their own mothers display this kind of affection towards their own fathers or other significant men in their mother’s lives, but didn’t receive it form their mother for themselves. As a result, they now seek that from women and will not stop until they find the one that can fill that void. Unfortunately it will never happen.
To give a different perspective, women have gone about their “daddy issues” in the same way. They may have had a father who put all of his time and attention into a woman or maybe they have dated a man with a daughter who was a good father and because they never got to experience that from their own father, they subconsciously compete with the female child. The issue stems from not healing before you deal, meaning before a person has taken time to know and learn themselves completely, they jump into a relationship expecting the other party to complete them and make them whole. You have to become whole as an individual before you can be an asset (or add value ) to someone else. Aside from that, you are just a liability. More than that, due to the fact the person hasn’t healed, discovered who they what they like, dislike, they go into a relationship with another person without full understanding of their own role or the other person’s role and therefore, the expectations are unrealistic.
As I come to a close, it is time to get the family order back in place. No more men seeking companionship from women in hopes that she will be his mother. No more women seeking companionship from men in hopes he will be the father she’s longed for. When this happens, it throws off the balance that a union between a man and woman should bring. If children are involved, they are now being taught the same behaviors and will create similar patterns. Long and short of it all, you must be honest about the scars from your past. You must take action by acknowledging them, understanding the derivation of them and investing in yourself enough to work through them. If you can make amends with your mom or dad, do so. If not, forgive them and be grateful for the experience that it has taught you.
In the words of the incredible John Mayer:
“So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too…”
Peace, Love & Light