Have You Heard About S*itGate?

Written by on May 8, 2015

puppy

Little dogs are so cute, cuddly and look like they smell like puppypowder. In the real world the only thing that ranks cuter than little dogs are Lauren London waking up with the sunrise on her face, baby Ewoks, and fresh off the grill brisket. But the other day my whole understanding and love for little dogs got tested in a major way.

So I came home from work feeling good as hell. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, little children were playing on the block, and game 2 of Da Bulls x Cavs was coming on the tv a little later. Who could ask for anything more right? As I walked up the stairs to I began to smell a stench that got stronger and stronger as I approached the second floor. All I could think was, which one of these animals shitted in my house? A camel, a horse, an elephant, or a full grown Ewok?

I walked into the room where the dogs chill, and the older, bigger dog (Floyd) sat in his kennel holding his nose looking at me like “You smell that shit? It ain’t me!” I looked over at the small dog (Lady) and all I could see was shit!! She was standing in shit, shit was on the walls, shit was in the carpet, damnit it felt like shit was in my nose!! What the hell?

I faced a dilemma, how do I get this dog out of this kennel without getting more shit everywhere? I wasn’t going to let her out because the first thing she would want to do is jump on me, and that would leave dookie marks on my pants leg and she would have shit everywhere. I refused to pick her little turd infested butt up. So my resolution was to pick up the kennel and carry it outside with her and the shit she made still in it. Easier said than done.

I had to maneuver the kennel with a live k-9, 8 pounds of doodie, and try not spill any of it. That’s fucked up Moguls.

When I got her outside and let her out all I saw was little shit prints in the driveway as she scampered off to drop more #twos.

The valuable lesson learned here is it is not a good idea to switch up a dog’s food on a day you will be gone. They just might drop a hot loose one in their kennel leaving you with a shitgate on your hands.

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