The 6 Types of Friends on Facebook That We All Have
Written by Danny P Ocean on February 6, 2015
These people have been blowing up your Facebook feed for years. They have been annoying, entertaining, pitiful, and out right embarrassing. You know what or how they are going to post before you even read it. All you need to do is catch a glimpse of their name and you already know what it is.
- The Almost No Curse Words Person – I hate it when people do that shiyt. Like who the fuc you think you are protecting? Yourself? The kids? A random reader? If you take the time to misspell a curse word but keep it close enough that whoever is reading the shiz still knows what you are saying, you really aren’t censoring a thing at all. How you like them apples muthafickas?
- The Facebook Saint – We all have seen them. They are usually the ones who don’t let a cause go by that they are not down for. For November they grow out the beard and donate the money. During Christmas season they ringing the bells for the Salvation Army AND donating their cash into the kettle. If there is a fire within 30 miles of their crib they showing up rescuing kittens and puppies from the blaze. For St. Patrick’s Day they are downtown cooking corned beef and driving drunken party goers home for free. Every Sunday they are showing up at nursing homes singing Bing Crosby songs to hopefully jog an old timer’s memory of yesteryear’s past. Yep they be doing the most, and make sure that they post it on Facebook for all of their friends to know exactly what they are doing? Are they doing it all? Hell no, but they have an image to maintain in order for them to catch. What is even more ironic some of these peaceful cats will be the first to scream how they will fvck someone up the minute they get wronged!! That is not very saintly is it?
- The Whole Life Is Damned Person – I be like “damn playgirl your life is fvcked ain’t it? Every time I log onto Facebook I see how the bvtches be hating, or how the fake azz dudes don’t worry you! Or how you hate your job! Or how the whole world is going to hell the first thing in the morning!” Word? Damn I guess it really sucks to be you don’t it? Can you imagine that if your life is that bad how we feel in our happy little circles of existence to constantly have to read your sad sh*t every dvmn day?
- The I Never Knew Love Like This Before Every Week Person – Trust us we are happy that you found the love of your life last night at the corner bar with 3 bottles of liquor. I’m sure the conversation was oh just so intriguing when he told you about tales of his glory days in these streets. We probably would have told you not to take him home to introduce to the kids right away, and you know Sunday dinner next week at the parent’s house probably wasn’t so bright either. But who are we to judge. You only live one life don’t ya? Oh what is that? You found a new love already. Wasn’t this just 2 weeks ago? Hmm. Oh yeah that’s right…. nikkas be tripping and sh*t. I got you. So….. tell me more about this new dude. He rescues elephants from poachers during the summer months and tells all his freiends on Facebook? He is the one for you……. How interesting……
- The All I Do Is Play Games And Request More Lives On Facebook…. Please Help Me – Mafia Wars taught me not to be this type of person.
- The I’m Leaving Facebook After I Tell The Whole World I’m Leaving Only To Return Before You Realize That I Actually Left – Yep ever so often we get an update on our newsfeed that informs us that one of our friends has declared that Facebook is the devil and they are leaving it alone. They declare that it is monopolizing too much of their time so it is time for them to fall back for a minute or two. The problem is they only fall back for a minute or two literally. They make the post in the morning and within 24 hours they are seen liking a post, or commenting on something. And the killer part is this type of person does this at least once every two months, making some grand statement on how they are leaving only to return before the ice in their bullsh&t drink melts. If you really wanna fall back from Facebook, just do it. Don’t tell us about it.