Things I Will Never Do Again

Written by on January 28, 2015


Life is all about trying new things. Why? Because the worse that can happen is that whatever you try is not that good. But on the flip side, you may fool around and expand some shit, like your mind, taste, hobbies, likes, pleasures, vices, style, whatever.

This post is not about the good that comes with broadening my horizon; this one is dedicated to the things I  never have to try again.

  • Liver – My Grandmoms fooled me one day. I was coming home from school and smelled what she cooking. It smelled like smothered pork chops or something. So I asked her to scoop me some of that there. And Moguls when I tell you the taste was not what it smelled like…. It was not what it smelled like. Needless to say I wasted a liver patty. I never need to taste that again.
  • Square Toed shoes – Those things went out with Hammer Pants, rayon shirts, and patent leather. What was once stylish now looks like clown shoes. I wish I could go to all of the men’s shoe stores in the world and free every pair of square toed shoes that I find.
  • Skinny Jeans – A few years ago I bought a pair of Levi’s shrink to fit jeans. All was good for the first few wears. It had a nice fit, appropriate sag, and the right amount of room in the legs without looking like a runway model. But then I messed around and washed them. Shrunk the hell right up. I put them on to see what I was working with and found out immediately that I am not the type of man skinny jeans are made for. If I were to sneeze in those joints it felt like my left ball would pop.
  • Frozen pancakes – I love pancakes. Did I tell you that I LOVE PANCAKES?? And sometimes you want pancakes without the hassle of actually making pancakes. So you would think the next best thing is to buy some of those frozen pancake joints. You know the ones, right next to the Eggos. If Eggos taste decent these little circles of frozen goodness should taste amazing. Well, well, well. Frozen pancakes are good when you eat them within 2 minutes of sitting down. If you get up to get some juice, when you return they will be as hard as a hockey puck.
  • While I’m speaking of breakfast….. Red Velvet waffles – Red Velvet cake is good, but that doesn’t translate well to waffles. Red Velvet waffles taste like diabetes on a plate. Too sweet to be taken seriously. If you add syrup you might as well eat a plate of sugar. And if you try to pass on the syrup, well what you have is a thick piece cake for breakfast. I pass. Give me them buttermilk joints.
  •  Maggiano’s – Went there last weekend, was not impressed. It tasted like school cooks who dreamt about being Italian when they grew up.
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