Rules For A Successful Bachelor Party

Written by on August 13, 2014


Well Moguls, my time as a single man is pretty much about done. Kaput. Finito. Wrapped with a bow. And that is a good thing. This process has been short in time but long in stress. I have seen my pretty much cool fiance slowly crack as the day gets closer and closer. I guess weddings do things like that don’t they? Oh well. I on the other hand is preparing for this thing called The Bachelor Party.

When my best man started asking questions about it weeks ago, I only had one stipulation; that it must be the week before the actual wedding day. Well that sounds great in theory, but how about your crew who is out of town? Most of them can’t get off of work a whole week in advance to drink up the town with you. I’m lucky enough to get them in town the Thursday before. But that isn’t the half of the problems that can come up for probably the biggest part of my life. Will there be strippers? Midgets? Twins? Twister? Handcuffs? The list can go on and on and on.

So Moguls I have assembled a list of rules/tips/suggestions to ensure that if you are planning a bachelor party or having one thrown for you, it can be the best possible night it can possibly be.

  1. Check to make sure the groom wants a stripper¬†– Remember men this party is not about you and your dark twisted fantasies. If the groom doesn’t want to spend his night in front of pair of tits from a chick named Kandi, then don’t make him. He may just want to have a few drinks and play poker. If he chooses something you don’t like, no need for you to pout, cry, or insist that he is the lamest cat since Carlton Banks. Just roll with the punches and make sure he is having the time of his lame life.
  2. If he wants strippers VET them – Trust me, there is nothing worse than having the groom’s ex-girlfriend ¬†jump out of the cake. Take the time to know exactly who will be shaking they ass for the party. No ex-girlfriends, moms, aunts, next door neighbors, or former teachers. These women should not know the groom, in fact they shouldn’t even know his name.
  3. Get some food – Make sure before, during and after the festivities food is available. You can’t plan to toss back shots of cognac on an empty stomach. That is a sure way to have the party end before 9pm. It would be smart to have food available, preferably greasy food to help soak up the hours of bullshit you are about to put your body through.
  4. Keep your cool if you are not the bachelor – Once again this is not about you, so take it easy. The best man should not be found in the bathroom curled up with the toilet. The only one who has the right to get tore up is the man saying I Do!! And as a member of the party it is your duty to make sure he not only has a great time. But that he lives to tell about it. You can’t have his back if you were last seen running down the street like Smokey in your drawers.
  5. Don’t assume that everyone has endless amounts of money – Sure renting out the suite at the top floor of the hotel on the hill is a good idea, but don’t expect everybody to foot the bill. Unless everybody is a hip hop Mogul they will have bank accounts set up in a funny way. So if you don’t plan on footing the entire bill, keep it budget friendly.
  6. Give the guest a proper amount of time to RSVP – Last minute shit sucks…. straight up. People have lives and most likely they don’t revolve around your failure to plan. Give folks at least a few weeks to prepare for the event and to plan accordingly. That way the groom can have as many of his closest friends around to see him yak up his stomach on the pretty girl with the tits that say “Kandi!”
  7. NO CAMERAS – The camera phone is the devil…. point blank. We don’t need to see incriminating photos pop up on cats newsfeeds.
  8. Make sure you check with the groom on who you invite – The groom doesn’t want to lick tits in the same room with his enemy.
  9. Make sure the groom doesn’t cheat – We all know how a little liquor can make a man act a fool, but don’t let the fool cheat. Not on your watch. You don’t want to be an assistant to an untruthful wedding from the jump. Let him rub a dub in the club but no wetting the carrot.
  10. Keep an eye out for the groom – I can’t stress this enough, your boy will probably be fucked up. And that is cool. He will probably embarrass himself, and that is cool. If the groom wants to be handcuffed, blindfolded and led around the room with a chain, then damnit the folks will be entertained. But make sure he remains safe and intact. He should return just as he left, maybe minus a few brain cells but intact none the less. Imagine having to cancel the wedding because the groom lost a fuckin finger in the fan trying to retrieve the majestical pink panties!!(Don’t ask!!)

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