The Dreaded Wedding List…….
Written by Danny P Ocean on July 17, 2014
Ladies and Gentlemen the day has come and passed for wedding invites to RSVP, and I couldn’t be happier. This wedding thing has become a little more stress inducing than I ever could have thought. When I popped the big question I had thoughts of partying the night away with a few hundred of our closest friends, eating Kobe beef on a bed of expensive ass noodles. But then we ran the numbers….. and it wasn’t pretty Moguls. Weddings cost, and for those of you who never planned a wedding they cost a lot. If you do not have access to good vendors who can assure you the venue, food, table and chair-hire for a reasonable price, then you might have to sell a kidney and a pair of classic Jordans to make up the difference between your dreams and reality.
When we sat down to plan out everything my fiancé mentioned that we should go to the court-house and smooth the whole thing out, and foolish me…. I didn’t want that option. I was thinking more of a destination wedding on some warm sands. But she didn’t want that. So a compromise had to be struck up and an old fashion ceremony was the winner. Easy enough right??? How wrong you are Moguls, the hard shit just begun.
We had to figure out who in the hell to invite, and who not to. There was no system to the madness. We didn’t pull names from a hat, or toss a bunch of names in the air and the ones that landed right side up made it. Nope to complete this wedding list we just rolled our sleeves up and went in. Family and CLOSE friends were easy. But what about the cousin you have not seen since your kindergarten graduation? Or how about the friend who was once close 20 years ago but you haven’t spoken to old boy since Clinton left office. Or how about the people who have suddenly became a fixture in your life thru social media groups, where do they stand? Yep Moguls the shit easily got out of hand.
And then the parents submitted their list of required participants and the 100 names they submitted had me crying in a corner until I became dehydrated. What the……!!!!!!! “I don’t need to pay for a person that I could walk down the street and pass without even recognizing!!” “Who cares if they used to bowl with you in the 70’s, when was the last time you spoke to them? Do they even know my name??” Those are the questions I had, but I couldn’t dare myself to say it to Ma Dukes. But damn the voice of reason needed to sing her sweet melodies at some damn point!!
The killer part is when you see people out in the streets and they congratulate you on the big day, their next statement is usually, ” I didn’t get my invite!!” And the first thing on my mind was usually “Cause you wasn’t on the list pimping!!” But occasionally there was a slip up and I forgot to send that person an invite. However, 9 times out of 10 they were cut short.
For the people who stumble across this essay and didn’t get that invite, I’m sorry Fam. However the way our bank account is set up everybody wouldn’t be able to make it. If we haven’t spoken in some sort within the last 4 years or so, I had to cut you. If you had a wedding and I wasn’t invited, I had to cut you. If I felt you would bring some type of ratchetness to the festivities you didn’t make it. If if was a spliff you didn’t make it. I know I am a bad guy, sorry about that. And to pay me back please feel free to miss me with your wedding invite, born day party, or bar mitzvah. I promise I won’t catch feelings. Parties cost, I found that out the hard way. (Pause)