All For You….. How A Missing Father Affected Me
Written by Danny P Ocean on June 15, 2014
I can’t see em coming down my eyes/ So I’d rather make the post cry!!
Usually this day every year is just another day for me. No kids of my own and no warm memories of my dad from years prior. It’s not like I sit around and look out the window anshit, longing for something that never blessed me with it’s presence. But I recognize it for what it is.
Growing up as a child it was never a big deal to me not having my dad around. I had a mother who more than compensated for the lack of father direction in my home. And for the lessons that she could not provide for me, I sought the leadership from older cats in the hood. For better and for worse it got my thru my adolescent years. However, once I became a man I noticed that I had a void in my life that only a father could fill.
I wasn’t able to see from the inside what a healthy mother/father relationship looked like. And the result, I was a player especially in my younger days. To quote a wise old school head“ I used to run them girls into the ground!” I wasn’t able to get those little tips that only a father drop on you while sitting back around the grill. You know the knowledge that helps the transition from child to man go smooth, or as smooth as it possibly could go. Only a caring father can give you that, father-figures can only do so much from a distance.
My friend showed me pictures of his kids
And all I could show him was pictures of my cribs
He said his daughter got a brand new report card
And all I got was a brand new sports car, oh
Dad cracked a joke, all the kids laughed
But I couldn’t hear him all the way in first class
Chased the good life my whole life long
Look back on my life and my life gone
Where did I go wrong?
Fast-forward to present days…… here I am spent my whole life running away from commitment left me on some Brad Pitt shit. Damn near 40 without a shorty that can call me dad. As I look back on my life during the first decades of my existence and all the women I knew, and all they have done for me and how often times I never returned the favor, I wonder who won? I used to think I was in the players circle alone with my arms up high in victory, but now not so much. Once again it is not as if I am I sitting behind this computer on some my life sucks shit, that is not the case at all. I have a beautiful wife to be and a soon to be step daughter that I am proud to have in my life. I have a nice car, money in my pocket and a decent career. I have enough friends and memories to last 3 lifetimes. But as a man during these times of the year you have to reflect, and how the missing dad in my life may have paved the route that I took in this crazy thing called life.
I depend on nobody. And nobody depends on me. My life’s my own. But I don’t have peace of mind. And if you don’t have that, you got nothing. So, what’s the answer. That’s what I keep asking myself. What’s it all about? You know what I mean?
But if this post has a happy ending it will be that I recently was able to salvage some type of relationship with my pops due to the insistence of my fiancé. She insisted that over spring break we take a trip to see him. Although I was resistant due to my own stubborn feelings I consented, and I am glad I did. My father and I were able to put the years wasted behind us as best as two men could. In so many words he was able to apologize for the years missed and I was able to genuinely forgive him without hesitation.
Life is too short to hold on to grudges, for it is like a game of musical chairs, when the music stops you better have a chair to sit in. In other words, before it is too late you better have relationships with the people who mean something to you. And never be afraid, or too cool to begin new relationships.